THE MIND SPA: A Play in One Act
copyright c by Barbara F. Lefcowitz, 2009
TIME: Spring, 1999, late afternoon
CHARACTERS:
MARGARET, 77, noble appearance despite her age: white bun, pink scarf, blouse neatly tucked into a long skirt.
GINNY, 49, an aging hippie with messy dark hair, 1970’s style; wears a worn green t-shirt with marijuana plant logo and the words Haight Ashbury. It hangs over her beige pants.
FLEURETTE, ageless. She has a large square build. Her face is expressionless, as if starched, and she does not speak until the end. Sometime she nods and says, “tsk, tsk.”
ISTVAN, ca. 58, a grade school teacher in a remote Hungarian village; participant in 1956 Revolution against the Soviets. He’s slim and has most of his hair, which makes him look younger.
He carries a small notebook with a red leather cover, in which he takes notes from time to time.
JOST, 45, Director of Kek Luba Spa, Psychotherapy Program, a large man with a round face. He wears a dark suit. A bulging money pouch hangs from his neck. He stands at a lectern throughout the play.
SETTING:
Patio of small rustic Spa Hotel Kek Luba in a Hungarian town. A round table covered with a white cloth holds wine glasses, coasters, napkins. The patio backs up to the kitchen and dining room, whose doors are closed. It is surrounded by flowers; has a couple of pastel umbrellas. On a wall to the right hang three sentimental watercolors of “Old Budapest” and a framed piece of embroidery depicting a blue goose under a vivid green tree. MARGARET, GINNY, and ISTVAN are seated around the table waiting for the world famous Madame Fleurette to cure their ills. She enters, accompanied by Jost
***
JOST
(He uncorks a bottle of wine; fills the three clients’ glasses)
Here, here! Prosit! Le’chaim! Cheers! Let’s toast the Kek Luba Spa’s honored guest therapist, Madame Fleurette, who will cure you of whatever you came here with. She has graciously provided us with these bottles of the finest Bull’s Blood, the wine of Hungary! But because she never drinks while she works, she cannot share this glorious wine.
(ISTVAN, MARGARET, and GINNY clink wine glasses; Madame
Fleurette raises a bottle of Perrier from which where she sits at the head of the table, a small bag just behind her chair; Jost returns to his lectern)
JOST
Let’s begin with Ginny. Why have you come to this clinic?
GINNY
Dr. Caligari, my present American shrink, says I have a borderline personality disorder.
JOST
Which means in plain English?
GINNY
Sometimes I imagine I’m a whore, sometimes a nun. Deep in my brain I have a bitchy red self, like angry fire, and a sweet-tempered white self, like a wafting summer cloud. But they can shift places when least expected, as if my unconscious was playing chess.
ISTVAN
Sounds crazy, like all you care about is your private self. Typically American. I didn’t know the group would have such narcissistic nut cases.
(HE WRITES SOMETHING IN HIS NOTEBOOK, WHICH HE DOES AT INTERVALS THROUGHOUT)
MARGARET
(to Istvan) That’s rude. And so is writing in your notebook. (to Jost) Isn’t it against the rules to take notes?
JOST
If you read the list of rules, you’d know that taking notes is discouraged though permissible if a client insists and does so sparingly. But interruptions are absolutely against the rules. (Turning towards Ginny) Very interesting, Ginny. But you still haven’t said, Ginny, what made you decide to come here all the way from America.
GINNY
For 20 years I’ve been looking for a cure. Flower therapy, thalassotherapy, Rolfing, color therapy, wheatgrass therapy, deep regression therapy, you name it. Nothing worked. I’m so tired of these shifting selves. Can you help me, Madame Fleurette?
Fleurette?
JOST
Madame cannot answer any questions, but she has much experience working with both whores and nuns.
ISTVAN (laughing)
Now I’ve heard everything. Whores-nuns-that’s a–
GINNY
You wouldn’t laugh if you had to spend even one day as myself—
JOST (interrupting)
No interruptions.
ISTVAN
Self, self, self. As if nobody else existed, as if the world had no history.
JOST
Enough. We must move on now. The clock is already ticking. (Brief pause) Now what about you, Margaret? Why are you here?
MARGARET
It’s too hard to explain.
JOST
But you must do your best. Without knowing exactly what she must cure, Madame Fleurette cannot implement her renowned curative skills. And hurry. Our time here is limited, 50 minutes at most. Because she must be at a spa in Romania early tomorrow.
MARGARET
I hate Romania! (Pause) And I hate myself for hating Romania. But I’ve hated that country for years, ever since they shifted the borders soon after I was born in the beautiful Hungarian town of Ferfiak. So my birthplace became part of Ro-MAIN-ia.
JOST
A sign of good mental health, as you Americans say, is living in the present, not the past. Which, of course, has passed.
MARGARET
I want to feel once more the good Hungarian earth beneath my feet. This town is the closest I can get to Ferfiak. Oh, it’s so confusing sometimes. I know I can’t turn back the clock, I know hating a country I’ve never seen since I was a girl is not ‘cool,’ as my grandkids would say. (pause)
Worst of all, Romania knows I can’t stop hating it. So it disguises itself as a crow.
ISTVAN (laughing)
A crow? Why not a vulture?
MARGARET
Ever since mama and papa told me that story about the border I have felt a black crow flapping its wings inside my heart. I dream about it all the time: always I’m alone is a field of trash when the crow starts pecking at my throat so I cannot scream. I’m here to get rid of that crow. Forever.
JOST
Seems you want to be cured not of Romania but your hatred. Your long time grudge. Madame will do her best. And you, Istvan?
ISTVAN
I want to be cured of my guilt for letting down my country in Budapest, November, 1956. The Revolution failed because I could not stop the Soviet tanks from rushing towards us. I was 15. Ever since I’ve had terrible nightmares where Stalin is chasing after me and the banks of the Danube are blood-red. Worst of all, I keep hearing the theme from Liszt’s Mephisto Waltz as if I had a gramophone inside my head. I cannot bear to hear it anymore.
JOST
Very difficult problems. Guilt, a festering grudge, a double identity. But Madame Fleurette is famous throughout the world
for helping people help themselves. No magic potions, no drugs, no machines. No crutches, no false cures, no escapes from reality. Please rise and say together: “With the help of God’s healing powers as incarnated in Madame Fleurette I will cure myself of my illness.”
ISTVAN
I hate slogans. They remind me of the Fascists and Commies.
JOST
You’re wasting precious time. Take the oath now.
MARGARET
OK, as long as it recognizes the power of God. My family never lost faith in the one and only Lord. Every night we read from the Bible. Both the Old and New Testaments. Even after God allowed the border to be shifted. Papa believed God was angry with us for not sufficiently honoring the great Magyar nation. Like Jehovah became furious at those ancient tribes who did not worship Him properly. So he exiled us to Romania like the Hebrews were exiled to Egypt.
GINNY
I only believe in the Great Earth Goddess Gaia.
JOST
The clock is ticking. Tick-tock. Take the oath. Quickly. We’ve already wasted precious time.
(THEY RISE AND RECITE THE OATH)
JOST
Now I want each of you to summarize your problem in a single word.
ISTVAN
GUILT!
MARGARET
HATRED!
GINNY
One word is not enough for me. I need at least two. Please, pretty please, Mr. Jost, can I use two?
JOST
If you must. I’ll let you get away with two since the therapy has just begun. But hurry.
GINNY
SPLIT SELVES!
ISTVAN
I know your type, Ginny. The kind of dame who must always get her way because she thinks she’s so special.
MARGARET
Isn’t everyone special, as my dear Aunt Lotte used to say? She made a genealogical tree that shows how our family goes back to Kaiser Rudolf von Habsburg in the twelfth century.
GINNY
So what?
JOST (pacing around his lectern)
I order the three of you to stop bickering and focus on your cure. The next step is to come up with your free associations with the word will now give each of you. Margaret, what do you associate with the word ROMANIA.
MARGARET
Let’s see. First I think of crows, then vampires, then gypsies, theft. stolen porcelain and jewels, filth, the blacks of Europe–
JOST
Ginny, your word is SLUT. What do you associate with that word?
GINNY
Red scarves, red petticoats, red lights, Amsterdam, marijuana, the 60’s, the Rolling Stones, flower-power, Haight-Ashbury, the cops, tear gas–
JOST
That’s enough, thank you.
GINNY
Did I do all right, Mr.Jost?
JOST
I’m not giving grades or keeping score. This is medical treatment not a game. Istvan?
ISTVAN
Of course it’s a game. A zero-sum game: if you win I lose and
vice-versa. I refuse to play such games.
JOST
If you obey our rules, you can only win. If you don’t, you’ll stay sick and have to listen to the Mephisto Waltz the rest of your life. It’s up to you. Your word is BUDAPEST.
ISTVAN
That’s easy. Revolution, freedom. . . Soviet tanks. Blood. Guns. Death.
Margaret, your word is CASTLE.
MARGARET
Nobility. Tradition. Men in uniform, women in hooped skirts.
JOST
Thank you. We’re making progress.
(FLEURETTE nods)
Now answer this question: What is the earliest memory of something naughty you did as a child. Margaret?
MARGARET
The Romanian invasion of Hungary. I remember mama and papa weeping about it as if it happened yesterday.
JOST
No. That’s a deflection. Tell me something naughty you, Margaret, did when you were a child.
MARGARET
But I was a good little girl, always obeyed Mama when she told me to curtsy and come to the table and always listened to Papa even when he lectured us on politics.
JOST
Answer the question. The clock is ticking.
MARGARET
Once in church I laughed so hard I peed in the pew. God, please excuse me.
(FLEURETTE NODS AGAIN, BUT SAYS NOTHING.)
GINNY
When I was five I peeked inside my parents’ bedroom and caught them having sex.
ISTVAN
I stole my brother’s soccer ball. That’s probably why I couldn’t even toss a Molotov cocktail when the tanks came.
JOST
Good job, all of you. You’re beginning to cross the border from sickness to health.
GINNY
I hate borders. If there were no borders I could just be one self. No conflicts.
ISTVAN
Self, self, self. If there were no borders everything would be the same!
GINNY
Cool. All colors would blend in one vast rainbow above our glorious earth. Red and white would become a vivid pink. Gold, magenta and turquoise would shine through; blend with each other in one grand chorus.
ISTVAN
Colors forced to blend completely make a muddy gray. Those dreadful Stalinist apartment blocks along the Danube. And it took 32 years before we were finally free. 32 wasted years of nightmares and the Mephisto Waltz. 32 years I can never get back.
JOST (pacing)
Hurry. Please. Madame Fleurette is still waiting to help you cure yourselves. Right Madame?
(Madame nods)
GINNY
Please, Madame, make them stop talking about borders. Why don’t you ever do anything?
ISTVAN
Madame, I’m sure you’ll agree when I say it’s impossible to ignore the one absolute and final border. The border between life and death. Once you cross it you can never cross back. Right, Madame?
MARGARET
Not true. You’re forgetting about Jesus.
GINNY
Bull. There’s no such thing as resurrection. Only cycles. Phases. Seasons. Gaia, sometimes known as Demeter, understands that. Think of her daughter Persephone, dead in the winter, reborn in the spring. That’s the best anyone can hope for.
ISTVAN (aside)
Sounds like she was manic-depressive.
MARGARET
God, what’s happened to the old values? Why have you let them drift away so nothing’s left except jargon and video games? That’s all my grandkids talk about. (Pause) Oh, I’m getting dizzy. The crow is thumping like mad.
(She lowers her head to the table)
GINNY
(bending towards Margaret)
Please let me help you. I always carry aromatic spirits with me. They’re great for calming crows.
(She presses a small bottle to release a spray of smelling salts; Margaret sniffs, breathes a sigh of relief)
Ah, that’s good. And I feel good about helping you. All my life I’ve been the one who needed help. One therapist after another until I lost all my pride.
ISTVAN
Nonsense. You’re full of pride. The Jews call it chutzpah, the Greeks call it hubris. Pride to avoid guilt. At least I admit my guilt for letting the Russian tanks end our revolution.
GINNY
Excuse me, Istvan.. But wallowing in guilt can be another form of pride.
MARGARET
Yes. Almost as bad as playing god. Like you tried to do back in Budapest, 1956.
JOST
Please, my esteemed guests. Stick to your own problems.
GINNY
Margaret’s right . . . Hey, that’s awesome. I never thought I could agree with her.
JOST
The clock is ticking. 4 minutes and 30 seconds. We must move on.
Think now about how you let your inner self punish you like a wicked parent.
GINNY
In plain English, Mr. Jost, you’re talking about inhibitions. What in the olden days, Freud would call the tyranny of the superego.
ISTVAN
Yes. Europe has long gotten over Freud. Only in America do a few fanatics take him seriously. Surely you knew that when you first opened this clinic?
JOST (raising his voice)
That’s my business. YOU are the patients, the ones seeking cures. Not me.
MARGARET
So you think your own sickness is a privilege? And you have nerve to take our money.
GINNY
Here, here.
JOST
Attacking me will do no good. It’s just a deflection from your own issues.
ISTVAN
Issues. What a stupid word. We’re not magazines, we’re human beings searching to cure our illnesses. As much as possible. Are you so pure that your own issues have no effect on us?
GINNY
You’re a fraud. Worse than my flower-therapist. His treatments only made me sneeze.
MARGARET
A fake. A false messiah.
ISTVAN
I want my money back.
JOST
The spa gives no refunds.
ISTVAN
No refunds?
JOST
No. Refunds. Ever.
ISTVAN
I’m going to report you to the Institute of Health Management. And the Hungarian Tourist Board. You said your clinic’s treatment never failed. What bullshit! I suspected from the beginning
you were a money-grubbing phony. Maybe Madame, too, but at least she kept her mouth shut. (He stands and heads to the door)
MARGARET
Oh my God! That’s not only rude but sacrilegious.
GINNY
Please don’t go and leave us here with JOST! How will we ever be cured?
(HE STORMS OUT, ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKING OVER FLEURETTE’S PERRIER BOTTLE, WHICH ROLLS T0 A STOP UNDER THE TABLE)
FLEURETTE
Tsk, tsk.
(JOST STANDS STILL AS IF MADE OF WAX, then says to FLEURETTE)
I’m sorry. Sometimes clients get carried away. Don’t worry. I’ll get you new water from the kitchen.
(FLEURETTE shakes her head. She turns her chair so she’s facing away from the others, and fetches another bottle of Perrier from her backpack)
GINNY
I’m shaking all over.. I need my Xanax. Shit, I left it in my room. With my Prozac and my Luvox and my Trazodone. I wish I could be brave as Istvan. (pause) Now we’re alone, Margaret.
MARGARET
No pills. Remember? We’ll manage. We still have Madame Fleurette.
GINNY
Why don’t you ever say anything, Madame?
MARGARET
Something that will free me from the crow?
GINNY
Hey, look. Istvan forgot his notebook! (She opens it random, begins to read)
GINNY, A FRUSTRATED ACTRESS. DON’T TRUST HER.. . MARGARET, AN OLD UGLY BORE.
MARGARET
How dare he write that? We should tear up the pages. Burn them. I’ve never been so insulted in my life.
GINNY (continuing to read)
JOST: A CLOSET FASCIST . . .FLEURETTE: DEFINITELY NO LITTLE FLOWER. A FAKE? A WITCH IN SHRINK’S CLOTHING?
JOST
Give me that notebook. At once. (He grabs it from Ginny, begins to ramble in Hungarian before shifting back to English) A disaster.. Nothing like this has ever happened before. Madame, Do you think we can we continue under the circumstances?
(FLEURETTE NODS)
JOST
Only three minutes left. Madame agrees we have
more work to do.
MARGARET
Kosurum, Madame. Hungarian for thank you. See, I haven’t forgotten my native tongue. Isn’t Madame a dear? Even though she’s going to abandon us and go to–
JOST
Enough of that crap. Tell me, ladies, your vision of a perfect day after you are cured.
GINNY
There’s no such thing as a perfect day and I’ll never be completely cured. Maybe I’ll wear pink. No more red or white. And I’ll start a charitable home for prostitutes. Where thy can acquire the skills for a better, healthier career. Of course, I’ll say goodbye to Dr. Caligari. Good enough?
JOST
That’s for you to decide. Remember the oath: that with the help of Madame’s silence, you will cure yourselves.
GINNY
You never said anything about her silence. Even Dr. Caligari said
“uh-huh” sometimes.
JOST
Then go back to him. Better, though, if you can convince Caligari
to send some of his patients to this spa. He can come, too, for our special training program. Margaret?
MARGARET
What does the word “cure” really mean?
JOST
That’s up to you.
MARGARET
The word reminds me of a ham. Or sausage.
JOST
Answer my question.
MARGARET
If you insist. At least I would stop dreaming about the crow.
That would be cure enough. And I would travel, maybe even to Romania. Do you think Madame would let me go there with her tomorrow?
JOST
You’ll have to ask her. Maybe you’ll see her outside. But we’re nearly out of time. In less than two minutes, we must leave this patio for the next group of guests.
MARGARET
Oh dear. What’s that noise? I hope the crow isn’t acting up again.
(ISTVAN RUSHES BACK IN, SHOUTING AND POUNDING HIS FIST ON THE TABLE)
ISTVAN
I left my notebook here. Where the hell is it? I must have it. (HE SWEEPS HIS HANDS ACROSS THE TABLE, BRUSHING THE WINE GLASSES TO THE FLOOR.) Who took it? HE FORCES GINNY’S HANDS OPEN, PATS MARGARET’S BLOUSE, EXTENDS HIS FISTS TOWARDS JOST)
JOST (cowering)
Stop. Before I report you to the police. I’m sure you don ‘t want to spend time in jail again. Like after the Revolution failed.
ISTVAN
That was a long time ago. I did my best. It was not my fault.
Give me my notebook! Now! I know you have it
JOST (walking towards FLEURETTE)
What shall I do Madame? Please help me.
(FLEURETTE REMAINS SILENT, WITH A SLIGHT HINT OF A SMILE. JOST RETRIEVES THE NOTEBOOK, GIVES IT TO ISTVAN)
ISTVAN
Ah, my precious notebook. Made in Paris. With its red leather cover lined with gold borders. Holy shit, borders again. (Turns to Margaret and Ginny)
I guess I should have stuck to Hungarian instead of practicing my written English. My apologies. (Carefully removes a few pages)
Here. I’ve ripped out any references in English to any of you.
MARGARET
But the good Lord only knows what you wrote in Hungarian. I wish I remembered more of my noble native tongue, but in America Mama and Papa insisted I learn English. ”
JOST
Off the point, both of you. (to Istvan) We were talking about what one might do once cured. Answer and we’ll forget about the notebook. If you promise not to write anything in it the rest of the session.
ISTVAN
And what if I do? Will you report me to the KGB? They still have power in this country, in case you don’t know.
JOST
I think you don’t want to be cured.
ISTVAN
Because there’s no such thing as a cure when it comes to the human mind. A bit of improvement maybe. So instead of the Mephisto Waltz I might hear a gypsy violin playing some sad old song like my grandfather used to play. That I could tolerate. In fact, learning to tolerate one’s foibles and failures is the closestanyone can come to a cure.
JOST (to Madame in an exasperated voice)
Again I apologize. I’ve never heard such defiance in all my years of running this clinic. What should I do, Madame?
(MADAME FLEURETTE REMAINS SILENT)
ISTVAN
Just to make you happy, Mr. Jost, I’ll answer your question. On a perfect day I’d take off for America. See for myself what it’s all about. Secretly learn to play the banjo for a rock band. And try to understand hip-hop.
GINNY
Why secretly?
ISTVAN
Because most of my life I’ve been controlled by secrets.
Like the Commies’ secret codes. And after 1989, the capitalists made up their own codes. Like shrinks do: Borderline Personality Disorder 322.68. Hypomania 589.28. As if human pains can be separated like stripes.
JOST
(clapping his hands between each number) 10.9.8
GINNY
Makes sense to me. Like my red self will blend with my white self. I feel it already.
(From outside there comes from a radio the melody of an old gypsy song)
ISTVAN
Hear that? Just like my grandfather. He learned it from an itinerant Romanian musician. It became very popular.
MARGARET
Yes. I remember that song from when I was a child in Hungary.
So beautiful. (pause) Look, everyone, my crow is gone. It’s already above the trees.
GINNY
Coo-well. Really cool.
JOST
6./5/.4.
MARGARET
I feel like dancing. For the first time in years.
GINNY
Then do it!
MARGARET
I’m afraid I’ll make a mistake. Mama always said I was a
klutz.
ISTVAN
So what? Learn to put up with it. Like I can now tolerate my cowardice back in 1956.
GINNY
And I can learn to combine my whorish and spiritual fantasies. Whoopee!
JOST
3./2./1.
(A shrill sound from an alarm clock he keeps in his pocket) Time’s up. Madame Fleurette must leave now and get ready for Romania.
(Fleurette smiles, says goodbye—her first spoken words–and exits)
GINNY
Hey, I get it! Madame was a -god–no, a goddess–a divinity.
I can’t wait to tell Dr. Caligari. Even though I said I would stop seeing him.
ISTVAN
Forget about Dr. Caligari. You worshipped him as if he were the god of gods. He might even agree, if for a moment he could stop playing god. Like all the rest of the shrinks. Except, of course, for Madame Fleurette.
JOST
You must all leave at once! That’s an order. You have already exceeded your time limit. I will have to insist each of you pay a surcharge.
GINNY, MARGARET, and ISTVAN together
That’s crazy!! Madame Fleurette, where are you? Please come back, Madame!
JOST
Madame is gone. The surcharge will appear on your final bill. (Exits)
ISTVAN
I have no intention of paying it. Nor should either of you.
MARGARET
But I’m so afraid the crow will return if I don’t obey. And now that Madame is gone I have no one to worship.
ISTVAN
Nonsense. There’s no need to worship anyone. The mind itself will be sufficient. I think Madame would agree with you. As long as you let her believe in her own godliness.
GINNY
If you’re right I guess it means she hasn’t cured herself yet.
(All three laugh)
I’m going to buy a bottle of the best Bull’s Blood. For my red
dreams. And Hungarian chardonnay for my white dreams. Also a bottle of their best merlot for me.
MARGARET
And I’m going to look for a Bible, if they sell such a thing here. And study Romanian for when I visit the town of my birth.
ISTVAN
I’m going to turn my journal into a book that exposes the Kek Luba Spa. Especially Mr. Jost. In Hungarian and English, so Americans will also know the truth.
(Istvan folds the previously ripped off pages back into his notebook. Ginny gives Margaret and Istvan a high-5, Margaret attempts a few dance steps in place. Everyone exits.)
***
THE END
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